Peggy Roe

Scripture:  11 And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:  12 And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.  (I Kings 19:11-12 KJV)

Reflection:

About two months after my husband was diagnosed with what would become terminal cancer, my long-time friend and running buddy asked me a question that literally stopped me in my tracks.  “Where is your faith in all this,“ she politely queried?  My honest answer to her was, “I don’t really know.”  Her question soon forced me to acknowledge something that was happening in my otherwise strong life of faith:  either I had abandoned God, or God had abandoned me.  Prompted by my friend’s inquiry, I began to contemplate exactly how I was managing the crisis and what role my faith was playing in it.

 

My initial response to my husband’s diagnosis had begun with hope, weakened with doubt, progressed into fear, and eventually spiraled into despair.  I could maintain a convincing façade that we could handle the situation – after all, we lived in the city with the greatest medical center in the world, were able to access the most talented specialists in the field, and had a large network of generous, caring friends and an adoring family.  But, it was still impossible to imagine that anyone could really prevent the inevitable.  The question then became, “Where does one turn when hope is seemingly lost?”

 

Looking back, I believe that I expected the answer to come from someone in the largest medical center in the world; or from one of the incredible specialists in the field; or from the one lucky individual who had survived the disease.  These resources were invaluable from a practical perspective:  all the medical experts involved were committed to saving – or at least prolonging – my husband’s life if at all possible; friends formed a Meal Train that provided nutritious, delicious meals designed to encourage all of us to eat when cooking was an unbearable chore; family came for visits as often as possible; and other friends and family deluged us with get well cards, rides to and from the medical center, and kind invitations to keep us from drowning in despair.  Yet, something was still missing.  In effect, we had the practical ramifications of the disease covered, but not the spiritual ones.

 

Ultimately, I realized that I had abandoned God, not that He had abandoned me.  Harking back to the passage from I Kings 19, I had been looking for my answer in the equivalence of a great wind; then of an earthquake; then of a fire.  But the answer was in the still, small voice of God that patiently waited for me to listen, to trust, and to believe.  Once I realized that God had never left my side, it was easy for me to return to His, enabling both my husband and me to face the challenges of the disease with conviction that God would take care of us.

Prayer:  

Omnipresent Father, thank you for never leaving my side.  You are there whether I can see, hear, or feel you – my shortcoming, not yours.  Please strengthen my faith, calm my heart, and quiet my mind so I can hear your still, small voice when you pass by. Amen.